Charlie Talks To.. The Last Ice Of Winter
(First published April 28th, 2014)
So it appears that the winter that wouldn't let go is finally letting go. This is what happens when Mother Nature and Old Man Winter shack up together, do shots off of each other's bellies (not as sexy as it sounds) and proceed and to go on a drunken rampage.
But, like a train filled with mounds of candy floss, all things must come to an end. Luckily for you I had a chance to sit down and have a final word with the Last Ice of Winter. This is what three feet of January ice turns into in April (Oh, and I apologize for Infinitesimally lowering the water level of Head Lake to produce this story).
Charlie: So you've had quite the year...
Last Ice Of Winter (LIOW): Yeah, it's been one of those years Grandpa used to talk about. No one did hypothermia better than he did but we were close this year.
Charlie: You take great pride in wreaking havoc then?
LIOW: Fuck yeah. I'm not hear to make friends. If you're built to lift weights you lift weights. Nothing makes my day more than seeing a car veer into the ditch and knowing I played a small part in it.
Charlie: So it's not just something as simple as this Polar Vortex explanation we keep hearing about then?
LIOW: Sure, you can believe that shit if you want to. If it makes you sleep better to think this is some sort of planetary mumbo jumbo then so be it. Truth is, we were in Super Ninja mode this year. We put the "win" back in "winter."
Charlie: You weren't just affecting traditional areas this year. You were widespread.
LIOW: Back in late October we broke camp feeling good about ourselves and we felt we could have a big year. It's not just me. It was a team effort. I mean you just mention "blizzard" now and people crap their pants. He's back, baby. Our mantra this year was to be badder than an STD.
Charlie: You really messed with the Eastern seaboard and the Deep South.
LIOW: I know. Did you see some of those videos from Georgia where people were abandoning their cars on the Interstate? I mean there was like a half inch of snow and they were running around like they were waiting for polar bear attacks.
Charlie: Any other highlights this year?
LIOW: Shit, there are so many. (Pauses) I guess how thick we got on some lakes has to be right up there. I mean, we were touching bottom since November. Touching bottom, man. That's epic. Fish were making exit strategies.
Charlie: At any point did you feel any sort of remorse, like people had suffered enough?
LIOW: At one point this kid was bawling that he couldn't feel his toes and for a moment I thought: What am I doing here? But then I thought: What about his hands? They're still OK and he hasn't said a fucking word about them. Little shit's never happy. So then I just got back to work. I'll tell you though, he was sure as hell wearing thick boots the next time I saw the little bastard.
Charlie: So you think humans are pussies then?
LIOW: Not all of them. I mean there was this one dude - wore a kilt till late December. I did all I could but I couldn't get to him. Tough dude.
Charlie: Maybe he's nuts.
LIOW:Whatabout his nuts?
Charlie: I said maybe he's crazy.
LIOW: With balls made out of thick wool too it would seem.
Charlie: So how do you want to be remembered?
LIOW: Someone who gave his all. Someone who terrorized humanity without prejudice of any kind. Chinese, Iraqis, Greeks, Aboriginals, I don't give a shit about where you come from or what your skin colour is. Actually, check that. I do care what colour your skin is. Hopefully all blue. And stiff. (Laughs)
Charlie: I can honestly say you've definitely left your mark this year. I'd imagine that makes you smile?
LIOW: (no response)
Charlie: I said you'll go down in history as a real shit kicker. Does that make you feel good!?
LIOW: (no response)
(Editor's note: Interview ended suddenly. Nothing left but a pool of water.)