• Charlie Teljeur

Two One-Eyed Dogs Interview: The Night King

"Is it just me or is it getting hot in here?"

WARNING TO GAME OF THRONES FANS: THIS ARTICLE MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS (but if you're reading it in 2027 you're probably safe).

Two One-Eyed Dogs (TOED): So The Night King, that certainly looks good on a resume...

The Night King (TNK): It's a good gig.

TOED: How does one get a job like that?

TNK: You know I can't tell you that.

TOED: Or you'll have to kill me...?

TNK: Not just a strict corporate disclosure policy.

TOED: So, ordering the endless hordes of living dead around like that must be a logistical nightmare.

TNK: Well we tried using name tags at first and that did become became a logistical nightmare. Try fitting Karsi, former Wildling, killed at Hardhome on a standard name tag. And Wight Member #6847009 felt really impersonal so we ditched the whole thing and started using some sophisticated hand signals.

TOED: Like...?

TNK: When I point my hand forward like this it means "Attack" and when I hold my hand up, palm facing forward, that means "Await my command" and wiggling my fingers like this means "cigarette break."

TOED: So with the army of the undead, when is enough enough? Your enrolment is through the roof.

TNK: We have a pretty aggressive human resources strategy that's for sure, and decent company benefits so there are incentives for those seeking this type of work. Plus we always seem to be on murderous rampages so there are new members joining the team all the time. On the downside, most of our warrior partners aren't very good at self preservation so the turnover is certainly high. I guess as the old saying goes, you never really have enough undead.

TOED: So that re-animation thing you do, is there a special technique?

"Watch this."

TNK: Not really. You just raise your arms really slowly, kind of like you're drying out your armpits. I like opening my hands a little when I get to shoulder height. Doesn't do a fucking thing but it looks really bad ass.

TOED: You and Bran Stark. Some bad blood there huh?

TNK: Actually there isn't. He has a job to do, as do I. In fact I'd really loved to have talked to him if I gotten that chance. I'm rather curious about the advanced level of wheelchair technology he has considering the time period and the fact that we all still poop in the forest.

TOED: So Jon Snow, King Of The North, like him? Dislike him?

TNK: He broods a little too much for my tastes which can be really tiring but I mean, those doe-y eyes. I'm not gay but if I was ever to change teams...

TOED: Your battle with him Beyond The Wall, gotta ask you: Here's Daenerys, Jon and the whole gang you're after, huddled there on a small island on a frozen lake, on the back of a downed dragon. Complete sitting ducks. One good shot and you destroy the whole ranging party yet you choose to fire your magic spear at the dragon in the sky. Bad move?

TNK: In retrospect I might do it differently if I were to do it all over again. I suppose it was one part testosterone and one part peer pressure. I mean, sure either way I kill a dragon but then all I'd hear till the end of time is how I took the easy shot. Live and learn I suppose.

TOED: But you still got your dragon.

"Bring the heavy chains."

TNK: We did yeah, but even that was a shit show in itself. We had to call WWAA, our version of Triple A, to get a crew out there to haul that sucker up. "Bring the heavy chains," I told them, "This isn't a pickup truck in a ditch we're dealing with here."

TOED: What does The Night King do to relax?

TNK: I dabble in poetry a little and I'm currently taking Night School courses to learn cabinet-making. Life can't all be about destroying stuff. You need to give back a little, you know?

TOED: Jon Snow once said about you "He doesn't bring the storm, he IS the storm." Thoughts?

TNK: I mean on the most technical level he's just stating facts right, I AM the actual Storm, yet he's looked at like he's Wordsworth or something. So yeah I get a little pissed considering the poetry affection I just mentioned but it does also put a little spring in your step to hear that. I sure as hell never have to wait for a table when I eat out.

TOED: You eat out?

TNK: I do occasionally but try finding a good vegan restaurant north of the wall.

TOED: So what does the future hold for The Night King?

TNK: Well the recent events having certainly altered the retirement plans a little if you know what I' mean but you know, I'm resilient. I'm sure other opportunities will pop up soon enough. Might have to wait centuries for them to happen but one never knows, right?

TOED: Any parting words? Any wisdom from the The Night King you'd like to pass on?

TNK: Well, two I suppose. One, I think we all need just to smile a little more and two "Fuck you Arya!"

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